Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats