[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
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Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol