Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year