[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
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Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough