[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
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My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Camping tip: No.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.