Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
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when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Saturday
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
pelicons
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.