[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
You Might Also Like
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails