What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.