There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
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JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I have many caverns
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious