This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
how it started vs how it ended
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
There is wisdom there.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.