My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I’ll be mad as hell!
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it