I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
You Might Also Like
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.