Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
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Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
happy valentine’s day to me
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
love it when they get my name right
this is the most humiliating day of my life
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?