The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
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I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
May your day taste like creamy soup.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.