Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
You Might Also Like
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Anyone want a chair?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy