Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
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As the Lord intended
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I’m good, thanks.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us