WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.