Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie