In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial