@ChaseMit
@raynescomedy FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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@raynescomedy 
@living_marble Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
@KateWhineHall I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
@Kali_Mura If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
@Jake_Vig Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
@Cpin42 I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
@mc_funbags People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
@permawedgie 99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
@ceejoyner The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
@mariana057 NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”