@ChaseMit

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

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@LostCatDog

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

@maryfairybobrry

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

@toni_goldsetin

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

@TheNardvark

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

@montgomaryrock

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

@JesusMcangry

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

@Opiyow

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

@UncleDuke1969

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.