@ChaseMit

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

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@raynescomedy

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

@living_marble

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

@Kali_Mura

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

@Jake_Vig

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

@Cpin42

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

@mc_funbags

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@mariana057

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”