In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

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FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No


Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.


If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.


Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.


I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?


People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?


The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.


NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”