In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

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I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.


The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?


I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.


My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”


You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.


Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.


I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.


*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough


Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.


Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.