In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go