My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.