“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
#Caturday
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*