You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
You Might Also Like
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
new year update: losing everything but weight
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.