Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”