Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
You Might Also Like
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
*Inspirational Tweets*
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”