“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.