What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
lmfao
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.