You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You Might Also Like
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”