Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
#oldknees
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.