Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.