You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
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It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
bias laundering edition
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.