my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.


How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.


Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.


Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.


rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600


Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish


Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.


I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love


Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night


Inventor: the 6 means 30