my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
You Might Also Like
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Word!
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.