@spark_asis

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

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@3sunzzz

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

@RightHandVAN

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

@jwoodham

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

@primawesome

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

@gosailthesea

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

@authorkaitlyn

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

@mayamanion

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

@CulturedRuffian

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30