Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
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Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight