Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective