Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one