Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
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[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok