I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.