I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
You Might Also Like
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.