I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
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[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
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Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I feel seen.
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I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.