I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
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I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
selfie game
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!