When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Truth
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.