Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
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According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.