Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
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Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?