I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
m’lady
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
me adding lol on a serious message
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.