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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin