Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon