Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
B
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Eat…
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife