No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Have a lovely day 😊
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.