TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Aight bet
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE