I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.