Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.