8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!